gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
