i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
