I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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