Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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