Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!