She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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