From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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