WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
