He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
