I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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