Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
