Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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