Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
