eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
