Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
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