She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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