I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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