nut hugger
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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