come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"