Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."