A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
