As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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