Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
