haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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