hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
