the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
