you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
