Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
