You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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