I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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