The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
