Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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