you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
