I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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