My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
