Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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