he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
