I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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