Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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