I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
