I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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