After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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