I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
