you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
