im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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