I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
