She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
