In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my shit smells like andre
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
