i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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