she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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