My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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