Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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