he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
