My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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