Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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