My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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