WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
